Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
