Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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