Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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