I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
