I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Alive.
So much puke
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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