My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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