You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
