When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
