did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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