i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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