worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
