I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
