I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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