the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
