Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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