My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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