Your face is a jimmy john
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
