Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
