soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
