If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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