youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
