She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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