i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
