I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
