I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
