Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
