I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
