Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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