come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
