I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
