I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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