How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
