the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
