conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
