What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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