I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
