where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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