Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we're making bets on your personal life
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
