The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
