After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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