Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
