OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
