Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
