How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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