Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Randomize
