This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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