Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
