I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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