I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
