I got chris browned last night
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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