Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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