Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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