I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
