No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
