While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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